1
00:00:04,097 --> 00:00:05,100
(audience laughing)

2
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:06,947
Speaking of having it all.

3
00:00:06,947 --> 00:00:08,970
(audience laughing)

4
00:00:08,970 --> 00:00:09,803
Where were you?

5
00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:12,704
I went to the beach.

6
00:00:12,704 --> 00:00:14,035
Oh, the beach

7
00:00:14,035 --> 00:00:16,320
(Elaine laughing)

8
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,350
It's not working, Jerry,
it's just not working.

9
00:00:19,350 --> 00:00:20,873
What is it that isn't working?

10
00:00:21,780 --> 00:00:24,300
Why did it all turn out like this for me?

11
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:25,653
I had so much promise.

12
00:00:27,150 --> 00:00:29,730
I was personable, I was bright.

13
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:32,290
Oh, maybe not academically speaking,

14
00:00:32,290 --> 00:00:34,063
(audience laughing)

15
00:00:34,063 --> 00:00:35,940
but I was perceptive.

16
00:00:35,940 --> 00:00:39,073
I always know when someone's
uncomfortable at a party.

17
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,530
(audience laughing)

18
00:00:40,530 --> 00:00:41,363
Can I get a napkin over there?

19
00:00:41,363 --> 00:00:43,320
It all became very clear to
me sitting out there today

20
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:47,340
that every decision I've
ever made in my entire life

21
00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:48,303
has been wrong.

22
00:00:49,470 --> 00:00:51,210
My life is the complete opposite

23
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:53,580
of everything I want it to be.

24
00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:56,430
Every instinct I have
in every aspect of life,

25
00:00:56,430 --> 00:00:59,490
be it something to wear, something to eat,

26
00:00:59,490 --> 00:01:01,860
it's all been wrong, every one.

27
00:01:01,860 --> 00:01:04,230
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

28
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,670
Yeah.

29
00:01:05,670 --> 00:01:06,960
No, no, wait a minute, wait,

30
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,970
I always have tuna on toast.

31
00:01:08,970 --> 00:01:11,229
Nothing's ever worked out
for me with tuna on toast.

32
00:01:11,229 --> 00:01:12,540
(audience laughing)

33
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:15,480
I want the complete
opposite of tuna on toast,

34
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,193
chicken salad on rye,

35
00:01:18,142 --> 00:01:21,303
untoasted, with a side of potato salad,

36
00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:23,981
and a cup of tea, ha-ha!

37
00:01:23,981 --> 00:01:26,460
(audience laughing)

38
00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:29,448
Well, there's no telling
what can happen from this.

39
00:01:29,448 --> 00:01:30,330
(audience laughing)

40
00:01:30,330 --> 00:01:31,950
You know, chicken salad's
not the opposite of tuna.

41
00:01:31,950 --> 00:01:33,420
Salmon's the opposite of tuna

42
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,940
'cause salmon swim against the current

43
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:37,660
and the tuna swim with it.

44
00:01:37,660 --> 00:01:39,570
(audience laughing)

45
00:01:39,570 --> 00:01:40,965
Good for the tuna.

46
00:01:40,965 --> 00:01:43,200
(audience laughing)

47
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,473
Uh, George, you know, that
woman just looked at you.

48
00:01:48,090 --> 00:01:50,130
So what, what am I supposed to do?

49
00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:51,960
Go talk to her.

50
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,890
Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money

51
00:01:55,890 --> 00:02:00,519
who live with their parents
don't approach strange women.

52
00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:01,770
(audience laughing)

53
00:02:01,770 --> 00:02:03,240
Well, here's your chance
to try the opposite.

54
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,880
Instead, of tuna a salad and
being intimidated by women,

55
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,490
chicken salad and going right up to 'em.

56
00:02:08,490 --> 00:02:11,070
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

57
00:02:11,070 --> 00:02:12,900
If every instinct you have is wrong,

58
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:15,347
then the opposite would have to be right?

59
00:02:15,347 --> 00:02:18,600
(audience laughing)

60
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,603
Yes, I will do the opposite.

61
00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:24,420
I used to sit here and do nothing

62
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:25,710
and regret it for the rest of the day,

63
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:28,653
so now I will do the opposite
and I will do something.

64
00:02:31,239 --> 00:02:36,120
(patrons chattering indistinctly)

65
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,760
Excuse me, uh, I couldn't help but notice

66
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,950
that you were looking in my direction.

67
00:02:40,950 --> 00:02:42,300
Oh yes, I was.

68
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:45,221
You just ordered the
same exact lunch as me.

69
00:02:45,221 --> 00:02:46,650
(audience chuckling)

70
00:02:46,650 --> 00:02:48,480
My name is George.

71
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,415
I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

72
00:02:50,415 --> 00:02:53,498
(audience laughing)

73
00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:56,616
I'm Victoria, hi.

74
00:02:56,616 --> 00:02:59,616
(audience laughing)

75
00:03:00,692 --> 00:03:02,122
(bouncy music)

76
00:03:02,122 --> 00:03:04,040
What are we gonna do? Should we just move?

77
00:03:05,814 --> 00:03:07,495
That won't be necessary.

78
00:03:07,495 --> 00:03:11,425
(movie goers laughing)

79
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,562
Shut your traps and
stop kicking our seats!

80
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,530
We're trying to watch the movie!

81
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,460
And if I have to tell you again,

82
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:18,360
we're gonna take it outside

83
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,950
and I'm gonna show you what it's like!

84
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,294
You understand me?

85
00:03:21,294 --> 00:03:22,230
(audience laughing)

86
00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:23,970
Now shut your mouths or
I'll shut 'em for ya,

87
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:28,110
and if you think I'm
kidding, just try me, try me!

88
00:03:28,110 --> 00:03:30,334
Because I would love it!

89
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:32,113
(audience laughing)

90
00:03:32,113 --> 00:03:35,363
(movie goers clapping)

91
00:03:36,369 --> 00:03:38,318
Hey, I just found $20!

92
00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:40,577
(audience laughing)

93
00:03:40,577 --> 00:03:43,680
I tell you this, something
is happening in my life.

94
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,540
I did this opposite thing last night,

95
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:47,790
up was down, black was white, good was-

96
00:03:47,790 --> 00:03:48,720
-Bad?
-Day was-

97
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,083
-Night.
-Yes!

98
00:03:50,083 --> 00:03:51,840
(audience laughing)

99
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,280
So you just did the
opposite of everything?

100
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,980
Yes, and listen to this, listen to this,

101
00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:57,900
her uncle works for the Yankees

102
00:03:57,900 --> 00:03:59,820
and is gonna get me a job interview,

103
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,140
a front office kind of thing,

104
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:03,210
assistant to the traveling secretary,

105
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,610
a job with the New York Yankees!

106
00:04:05,610 --> 00:04:08,520
This has been the dream of my
life ever since I was a child

107
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:11,130
and it's all happening because
I'm completely ignoring

108
00:04:11,130 --> 00:04:12,840
every urge towards common sense

109
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,491
and good judgment I've ever had.

110
00:04:14,491 --> 00:04:15,930
(audience laughing)

111
00:04:15,930 --> 00:04:17,700
This is no longer just some crazy notion.

112
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:21,616
Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.

113
00:04:21,616 --> 00:04:22,830
(audience laughing)

114
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:25,660
So I guess your Messiah
would be the antichrist.

115
00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:26,653
(audience laughing)

116
00:04:26,653 --> 00:04:28,168
That's right, that's good!

117
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,773
Ha! Come on, let's go.

118
00:04:30,773 --> 00:04:32,550
You are the complete opposite

119
00:04:32,550 --> 00:04:34,293
of every applicant we've seen.

120
00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:38,100
Uh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir,

121
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:39,840
there's someone here I'd like you to meet.

122
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,040
This is Mr. Costanza.

123
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,393
He's one of the applicants.

124
00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:45,660
Nice to meet you.

125
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,310
Well, I wish I could say the same,

126
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:50,550
but I must say, with all due respect,

127
00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:52,890
I find it very hard to see the logic

128
00:04:52,890 --> 00:04:54,510
behind some of the moves you have made

129
00:04:54,510 --> 00:04:56,850
with this fine organization.

130
00:04:56,850 --> 00:04:59,430
In the past 20 years,
you have caused myself

131
00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:02,400
and the city of New York
a good deal of distress

132
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,430
as we have watched you
take our beloved Yankees

133
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,800
and reduce them to a laughing stock,

134
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:12,300
all for the glorification
of your massive ego!

135
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,323
Hire this man!