(audience laughing)
Speaking of having it all.
(audience laughing)
Where were you?
I went to the beach.
Oh, the beach
(Elaine laughing)
It's not working, Jerry, it's just not working.
What is it that isn't working?
Why did it all turn out like this for me?
I had so much promise.
I was personable, I was bright.
Oh, maybe not academically speaking,
(audience laughing)
but I was perceptive.
I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
(audience laughing)
Can I get a napkin over there?
It all became very clear to me sitting out there today
that every decision I've ever made in my entire life
has been wrong.
My life is the complete opposite
of everything I want it to be.
Every instinct I have in every aspect of life,
be it something to wear, something to eat,
it's all been wrong, every one.
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
Yeah.
No, no, wait a minute, wait,
I always have tuna on toast.
Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast.
(audience laughing)
I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast,
chicken salad on rye,
untoasted, with a side of potato salad,
and a cup of tea, ha-ha!
(audience laughing)
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
(audience laughing)
You know, chicken salad's not the opposite of tuna.
Salmon's the opposite of tuna
'cause salmon swim against the current
and the tuna swim with it.
(audience laughing)
Good for the tuna.
(audience laughing)
Uh, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
So what, what am I supposed to do?
Go talk to her.
Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money
who live with their parents don't approach strange women.
(audience laughing)
Well, here's your chance to try the opposite.
Instead, of tuna a salad and being intimidated by women,
chicken salad and going right up to 'em.
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
If every instinct you have is wrong,
then the opposite would have to be right?
(audience laughing)
Yes, I will do the opposite.
I used to sit here and do nothing
and regret it for the rest of the day,
so now I will do the opposite and I will do something.
(patrons chattering indistinctly)
Excuse me, uh, I couldn't help but notice
that you were looking in my direction.
Oh yes, I was.
You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
(audience chuckling)
My name is George.
I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
(audience laughing)
I'm Victoria, hi.
(audience laughing)
(bouncy music)
What are we gonna do? Should we just move?
That won't be necessary.
(movie goers laughing)
Shut your traps and stop kicking our seats!
We're trying to watch the movie!
And if I have to tell you again,
we're gonna take it outside
and I'm gonna show you what it's like!
You understand me?
(audience laughing)
Now shut your mouths or I'll shut 'em for ya,
and if you think I'm kidding, just try me, try me!
Because I would love it!
(audience laughing)
(movie goers clapping)
Hey, I just found $20!
(audience laughing)
I tell you this, something is happening in my life.
I did this opposite thing last night,
up was down, black was white, good was-
-Bad? -Day was-
-Night. -Yes!
(audience laughing)
So you just did the opposite of everything?
Yes, and listen to this, listen to this,
her uncle works for the Yankees
and is gonna get me a job interview,
a front office kind of thing,
assistant to the traveling secretary,
a job with the New York Yankees!
This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child
and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring
every urge towards common sense
and good judgment I've ever had.
(audience laughing)
This is no longer just some crazy notion.
Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.
(audience laughing)
So I guess your Messiah would be the antichrist.
(audience laughing)
That's right, that's good!
Ha! Come on, let's go.
You are the complete opposite
of every applicant we've seen.
Uh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir,
there's someone here I'd like you to meet.
This is Mr. Costanza.
He's one of the applicants.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I wish I could say the same,
but I must say, with all due respect,
I find it very hard to see the logic
behind some of the moves you have made
with this fine organization.
In the past 20 years, you have caused myself
and the city of New York a good deal of distress
as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees
and reduce them to a laughing stock,
all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Hire this man!