(bright music)
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
[Vocalist] The band strikes up a funky jam.
(people chattering)
♪ Ow ♪
♪ All aboard that funk boat ♪
♪ That I'm about to start to sailing now ♪
♪ All you riggers and all you party triggers ♪
♪ Everybody's in a funky blowout ♪
♪ You now I said cellphone ♪
♪ Just around the corner from the Portobello Road ♪
♪ Downtown W10 and my best baby-baby ♪
♪ Do what you're done told ♪
♪ I got bottles of beer and a deck or two ♪
♪ All my friends, till the morning comes ♪
♪ And I said ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Do what I say ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Guilty of what I do ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Oh, come on ♪
♪ Have fun living in the city ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Do what I say ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Guilty of what I do ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ So come on ♪
♪ Have fun living in the city ♪
(water splashing)
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ I like you ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Do what I do ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Have fun living in the city ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Do what I do ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
♪ Do what I do ♪
♪ Have fun, go mad ♪
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Oh shit.
"Hello, Helen. I'd almost forgotten you work here."
(bottles clacking)
I know, I know, you'd almost forgotten I work here,
but I swear I was up all night
toying with ideas for the fashion show,
and I've really hit on something.
You see...
What?
(Helen scoffs)
I took 4 bottles of vodka on Friday.
It was my birthday. You know that.
I was having a party, and I was running late,
so I borrowed some.
I bought some more to replace it.
Not a lotta use to me when I have nothing to offer
the executives who drop by late Friday.
Off the top of my head,
you could've told them you'd run out.
It's popular stuff. Bullshit, bullshit.
Oh, we're in PR. That's what we do, isn't it?
But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?
No.
So I'm out,
am I?
(scoffs) Well, this is just perfect.
Congratulations. You've wanted me out for ages.
Now you've done it. Very well done.
Theft.
Pretty foolproof.
OK, I'll go.
I'll go.
I was getting a bit choked up
with all the testosterone flying about the place.
Best I get out before I start growing a penis.
Oh.
Told you. Lesbian.
(melancholy classical music)
(people chattering)
(earring clattering)
Whoops.
Thank you.
(melancholy classical music continues)
(train rumbling)
(suspenseful music)
(train doors hissing)
(chiming)
(mysterious music)
(chiming)
(suspenseful music)
(chiming)
(mysterious music)
(gentle music)
(passenger vocalizing)
[Announcer] District Line information.
Due to a derailment at Victoria,
District Line trains are subject to extensive delay.
We suggest you find alternative means of transport.
(horns honking)
(train wheels clacking)
(passenger vocalizing)
(horn honks)
(Helen gasps)
(Helen grunting)
(Helen yells)
(brakes squeaking)
You all right, love?
Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut.
Might need a couple of stitches. Come on.
♪ She's dragged me to the floor ♪
♪ Just like she did before ♪
♪ And I can't take it no more ♪
Oh ho. Beatles lyrics, eh?
What?
Elastic Thrombosis. They're guilty of lyric poaching.
They're Beatles lyrics, aren't they?
I don't know. Sorry.
Of course you do. Come on.
Everyone's born knowing all
the Beatles' lyrics instinctively.
They're passed into the fetus subconsciously,
along with all the amniotic stuff.
In fact, they should be called The Fetles.
Not a fan, clearly.
(gentle music)
(people chattering)
It's funny the way nobody talks on the Tubes, isn't it?
I mean, I rarely catch the Tube myself, but, uh, or lifts.
Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why is that?
Perhaps we think everybody on the Tube, or the lift,
is a potential psychopath or a drunk,
so we close down and pretend to read a book or something.
You've got a terrible tea stain on your book.
Look, I don't think you're a psychopath.
I just want to read my book.
Ah, I understand. I apologize. (chuckles)
I'm in a little bit of a good mood today,
as a matter of fact, so I've just...
Sorry.
Have we met before?
No, no, honestly, honestly.
You seem familiar.
I don't think so.
Yes, yes, you were in the lift just now.
You dropped your earring. I picked it up.
Oh yes, you did. Thank you.
Pleasure.
Do you work there?
I did do, but I've just been fired, OK?
Oh, that's...
That's horrible. I'm sorry.
It's OK. You didn't do it.
But thank you for your concern.
I'm glad you're in a good mood, et cetera.
Thank you for picking up my earring,
but I just want to read my book.
(gentle music)
Well, I get off at this stop.
I'm only telling you in case you get off at this stop, too,
and you get off before me, and then I get up,
and you think I'm following you, which I'm not.
I mean, I wouldn't. I mean, you know.
I really didn't mean any offense. Please forgive me.
I'm really not a nutcase. I apologize.
Excuse me.
Um, I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a psycho or anything.
It's just that, um,
I'm not, I'm not that good at, um,
you know, um...
Constructing sentences?
(sighs) Anyway.
I'm James.
Helen.
♪ You're gonna hear electric music ♪
♪ Solid walls of sound ♪
Mwah.
I never figured out why we didn't make it, Gerry.
You went back to America, remember?
I couldn't afford the bus fares.
I came back, though.
Turn my back for three lousy years,
and you callously ditch me for another woman.
Hmm, I know. I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous.
(Lydia laughs)
I live with someone.
(clears throat) A man. I live with a man.
-Really? -Mm.
I have people I consider soulmates
who don't confide in me this much.
And what would he say if he knew
you were walking up from the Tube in broad daylight
with a complete stranger?
♪ Bennie, Bennie, oh ♪
♪ Bennie and the Jets ♪
Well, it was nice to meet you, Helen.
Sorry about your job. Really.
I suppose being a Gemini kinda has its down sides.
Hey, remember what the Monty Python boys say.
What? "Always look on the bright side of life"?
No. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."
(chiming)
(mysterious music)
(upbeat music)
(door creaking)
♪ Oh, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet ♪
♪ Oh, but they're so spaced out ♪
♪ B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets ♪
(Gerry moaning)
♪ Oh, but they're weird and they're wonderful ♪
♪ Oh, Bennie, she's really keen ♪
♪ She's got electric boots ♪
♪ A mohair suit ♪
♪ You know, I read it in a magazine ♪
(Gerry moaning)
[Lydia] What?
♪ B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets ♪
I didn't think you liked Elton John.
I, I do sometimes.
(upbeat music continues)
-(switch clicks) -(music stops)
You really shouldn't just stop like that.
Set a woman back three days doing a thing like that.
Who is she?
She's Lydia.
Well, I've had a dreadful day.
I got sacked.
So did you, it would seem.
Cup of tea?
That'd be nice.
You bastard!
You useless, shagging bastard!
-(chiming) -(mysterious music)
I come home and catch you up to your nose
in Lady shagging Godiva.
I am working all hours to support you
while you are supposedly writing your first novel.
How long?
Huh?
Do you love her? No, don't tell me, I'm not interested.
No, do tell me. I am interested.
I'm only asking because I need to know
exactly how big a mug I am.
Look, uh...
Look...
(melancholy music)
(door slams)
(chiming)
-(suspenseful music) -(door slams)
(tires screeching)
-(chiming) -(mysterious music)
(engine revving)
-(water splashing) -(upbeat music)
Hello!
Helen, Is that you?
No, it's your bit of stuff.
Wednesday, shag day, remember?
(upbeat music continues)
Have you just got up, you lazy git?
Uh, no, uh...
Well, I, uh, I didn't sleep that well last night,
and then, uh,
you know, when you left, I kind of,
I went into a really, uh,
a really, really deep, deep, uh, deep, deep sleep.
And uh, I think I might be, uh, coming,
coming down with a...
Anyway, uh, what are you doing home at this time of day?
Oh my God.
What happened to you?
Well, it depends.
Which story do you want first?
What?
Well,
I got mugged and...
(upbeat music continues)
What are you doing?
I can't stand Elton John.
You know that.
Well, anyway.
Listen, tell me, what happened? What happened to your head?
Well, I got mugged and sacked, only not in that order.
Although, it wasn't an actual mugging,
it was only an attempted mugging,
according to the policeman,
because they didn't-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Because they didn't- -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a sec, wait a sec. Come here, come here.
Now sit down.
Just sit here, OK?
Now...
Now, you're in shock, darling, OK?
You had a (clears throat), a little bit of a shock, OK?
Now just relax.
Um...
Do you want a brandy?
[Helen] It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Of course it is. Sorry.
Gerry!
Are you OK?
Me? (clears throat)
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm just...
Look, anyway, anyway, tell- tell- tell me what happened.
(melancholy music)
(paddles splashing)
(Helen sobbing)
And I just couldn't help thinking,
if I had caught that bloody train,
it would never have happened.
I'd have been home ages ago.
Oh, well, you don't wanna go wondering
about things like that.
You know, um, "if only this," and "what if that."
Oh.
It's done now.
Come on.
Follow.
Splash.
I'm going to take you out
and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch.
And then
dry.
Um, and then follow, follow.
Follow, follow, follow.
And then, when you've sung all your favorite
Barbara Streisand songs at the top of your voice
and got us slung out of the pub,
yeah, put this on,
I'm gonna let you have intimate carnal knowledge
of a lamb pasanda, which I know your diet does not allow,
with a double tarka dal,
which you can then puke up all over the pristine doorstep
of Herr and Frau Goebbels next door, and I'll help you.
Oh, I love you, Gerry.
Gerry!
She's not here.
Anna, you're Helen's best friend. Where else would she be?
Come and search the place if you want.
She's not here, Gerry.
What is it you've done, anyway?
It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you.
OK, look, I'm sorry.
Look, if she comes here, just let me know,
or get her to ring me, or something.
That's all I ask.
Like you say, Gerry, I'm Helen's best friend.
If she comes here, I'll do what she asks.
(door slams)
(melancholy music)
♪ I'll have this meager defense ♪
♪ I was hoping ♪
♪ But you're an amateur ♪
♪ I was hoping ♪
♪ That you'd know better ♪
♪ But I've been wrong ♪
-♪ Before ♪ -Well, she's got a point.
You can't stand Elton John.
Ah, so forget about Elton John.
That's not the issue. What do I do?
Gerry, you've been telling me for weeks
you couldn't hack it juggling between Helen and Lydia,
and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again.
I know.
And I didn't think you were cut out for infidelity.
I know.
But you couldn't end it with Lydia
'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it.
I know all this.
And I told you something, if you remember my words,
something ungoverned by you would happen
to bring the situation to a head.
I know.
And something has. (laughs)
It's not funny, actually, Russell.
Oh, I'm sorry, old man. I beg to differ.
It is funny. It's very, very, very funny.
And look at you, it's not as though you're rushing
frantically about the place trying to find her.
I went to Anna's. She wasn't there.
Oh, you went to Anna's?
Boy, you're a one-man SAS crack unit.
You want my opinion?
Will I like it?
Well, of course not. It'll be based on reality.
♪ Call me a fool ♪
♪ What's it to you ♪
♪ When we go out walking by the moon ♪
No, no, no. You don't advertise a new restaurant.
It's very uncool.
It's word of mouth. People talk.
And how do these people who talk know where you are
so that they can talk about you?
Nevertheless, it's your restaurant, Clive.
I just want it to work.
Helen.
Hello. James.
Rather annoying chatty bloke on the Tube?
Oh yes. Hi.
You look all stressed up with nowhere to go.
It's only a job. You'll get another one.
No, it's something else, isn't it?
You know, sometimes it helps
to just say whatever it is out loud.
It also helps if people just mind
their own business and leave you alone.
I'm sorry.
When I left you at the Tube earlier,
I went home and found my boyfriend-
In bed with another woman? Shit.
Ah, I'm sorry, it's...
I mean, what an idiot.
It's OK. You weren't to know.
No, not me, your boyfriend. He's an idiot.
Ah.
Sorry. It's not my place.
It's OK.
Well, look, if it makes you feel any better,
you see that bloke over there?
Not only does he own a personalized,
matching set of crocodile skin luggage,
but his favorite TV program is "Baywatch."
(Helen laughs)
So you see, there's always someone sadder than you.
(Helen sobbing)
Do you love him?
No.
I could never love a "Baywatch" fan.
(both laughing)
Hey, you did a joke in the midst
of your turbulent emotional state.
That's very positive.
Listen, if you decide you want company, we're over here, OK?
I'm really sorry, Helen.
♪ Drinks at eight to celebrate ♪
♪ The birthday of an ancient friend of mine ♪
♪ I should have played, but that's OK ♪
♪ We've been the best for such a long, long time ♪
Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please,
and a large Jack Daniels with ice, and I'll have the same.
(upbeat music continues)
You're behind. Can we have another?
15?
(bottles clinking)
(Helen laughing)
You're most sophisticated.
-(Helen sighs) -(patrons applauding)
(laid-back music)
♪ I was lost, I was found ♪
♪ I've been tossed to the ground ♪
Gerry came looking for you.
Is it what I think?
Depends.
Is what you think that I walked in on him
shagging Lydia in my bed, and I walked out?
Pretty much.
Then, yes.
(Helen sobbing)
♪ Knock me down with a feather ♪
♪ Or a flick of your little finger ♪
♪ Got thing about you ♪
(Helen laughing)
-(cellphone ringing) -Oh. Hold on, hold on.
-Yeah? -This morning
was sensational.
Oh, I can't, sorry, I can't hear you.
[Lydia] Gerry?
I can't hear you.
[Lydia] Gerry, can you hear me?
-(cellphone beeps) -Didn't know it was on.
Ready, steady, go!
(laid-back music continues)
Who's that?
My friend.
Come on, you. Let's get you home.
-Right. -Drunken eejit.
-(rain pouring) -OK. Whoa.
(Helen laughing)
-And again. -(Helen yells)
Come along.
Can I give you a lift anywhere?
Um, yeah. That would be great, thank you.
[James] Oh, hands up if you drank too much, eh?
Hey! I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.
Put a wick in her mouth, and she'd burn for a fortnight.
(Helen giggles)
9 Menlove Avenue.
Thanks a lot.
French bean, some chicken, some rice.
One more little Indian.
-No. (chuckles) -Oh, come on.
I'll be sick.
Oh, we're on schedule for that,
but we've got to move locations,
so don't swallow for 10 minutes.
(Helen laughs)
(gentle music)
He didn't fancy me.
He offered us a lift. He was just being concerned.
Uh-huh, well, let me tell you,
if he was being that concerned about me,
I wouldn't be helping you into bed right now.
Am I in bed?
Yes. You're staying with me for a while.
Don't worry. You'll be fine.
Just fine.
(Gerry groans)
There we go.
(Helen groans)
Are you some peculiar,
thus far undefined breed of dickhead?
You have two head problems.
One,
that was close,
very close.
Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you.
And two,
and this is far more worrying than the first one,
you're talking to yourself in the mirror again.
Really bad sign.
(upbeat music)
Bigger sip. Bigger sip.
-Hmm-mm. -Bigger sip.
Don't throw up all over me.
(upbeat music continues)
There are no PR jobs.
I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry.
What you need is a change of image.
Like, you know, it goes back and then,
you know, it sort of comes like a slant.
(Anna laughing)
♪ It's a change in atmosphere ♪
♪ And I'm seeing the signs ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ That it's right for me to go ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ So when you think of yesterday ♪
♪ Remember all the things we said ♪
♪ And through the course of history ♪
♪ I hope you'll still remember me ♪
♪ And there can't be no other way ♪
♪ There's nothing left for us to say ♪
♪ I've got to see it through alone ♪
♪ I've got to do this on my own ♪
(upbeat music continues)
-For you there. -Hey, gorgeous,
what do you do when you're not serving up
mad cow burgers in here, eh?
Well, now, let me see.
I get up about 7:30 am,
make and deliver sandwiches in the West End during the day,
before I come here about 6:00, and finish at midnight.
After that, if I've got any energy left,
I give me boyfriend a blowjob.
Would you like some mayonnaise with that?
[Anna] You don't mean that.
I do.
Really.
So, you were together 2 1/2 years,
and you've been sitting here
like suicide on a stick for a week.
Nine days, Anna.
For nine days.
But bollocks to him.
Yes.
I mean, why hasn't he even called to see if I'm OK,
to admit that he's a twat?
"Hello, Helen, it's Gerry. I'm a twat.
Please come home. I love you."
All that shit. Oh, I don't care anyway.
Bollocks to him.
I'm over him.
Oh, you're over him.
Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him.
No, you're not.
-I am. -You're not.
Anna, I'm over him. What do you mean I'm not?
How do you know I'm not?
Well, two things, really.
One, you're still counting how long you've been apart
in days and probably hours and minutes.
But the big, flashing red light way
of telling you're not over someone
is when you're still reading their horoscope
in the hope they're going to get wiped out
in some freak napalming incident.
Smart arse.
(Anna chuckles)
What is he?
A wanker.
Oh, Aries.
Aries.
(sighs) Well, just shows how much I know.
"With Mars, your ruler, in the ascendancy,
you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident,
and Helen says bollocks to you."
This guy's very good.
(doorbell ringing)
(gentle music)
You go.
No, I will. No, you.
I'm not in. I'm out.
You don't know where or who with.
Especially who with.
Quickly, go on!
(scoffs) I am not answering the door like this.
Anna, please, you have to.
It won't be him anyway.
So there's no big deal, is there?
(gentle music continues)
Bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him,
bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him,
bollocks to him.
(door creaking)
(birds twittering)
(upbeat music)
Come on, if you don't drink your fatty drinks,
you'll never really achieve quality cellulite.
Haircut suits you, by the way.
No, it does, it does. No gag.
Never make a joke about women's hair,
clothes, or menstrual cycles.
Page one.
Look, James, maybe I shouldn't be here.
(sighs) I'm sorry. I'm not being fair.
You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera,
you're really nice and funny.
My friend Anna thinks you're cute.
Wait, hold, hold. Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?
Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?
Shit, I just blew, wait,
(sighs) 2.85, 2.85 on the wrong girl.
Helen, listen, sometimes we are plonked into people's lives
when they just need to be cheered up and reassured,
and it turns out that for some reason it's your job.
We don't know why. In your case, it's my job.
But I'll be honest,
the fact that I find you moderately attractive
just makes the job easier on my part.
My intentions are completely honorable.
I have no desire to overstep the mark. Seriously.
Do you prefer diamonds or sapphires? Sorry.
Moderately attractive?
Aha! I knew you were listening.
Well, you know, lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth,
that could get you an upgrade.
So, having firmly established the ground rules,
what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?
Probably killing myself.
Excellent. What time does that finish?
Do you like boats?
(rousing music)
[Helen] Do you know, we haven't done that for two months?
[Gerry] Don't be daft.
Two months.
Almost to the day.
Almost to the day? Listen to you.
What are we, a survey?
Gerry, how did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses
get into the laundry basket?
To the where?
The laundry basket.
I don't know.
I answer questions in '70s pop music.
Last week, when I got the sack and I came back...
Am I going mad?
But there was a bottle of brandy and two glasses
on the dressing table, wasn't there?
(scoffs) I don't know. I couldn't really say.
There were, I'm sure.
Oh, hang on now, wait a minute. No, no, I could say.
There was a bottle and one glass because-
No, I'm certain there were two glasses, Gerry.
Helen, I'm not sure I like where this conversation is going.
No, I told you, I couldn't sleep,
so I got up in the night to get a drink to knock myself out.
It was still there in the afternoon when you got home.
I mean, you had also that day, if you remember,
taken a blow to the- the- the- the head.
Well, we just had a party.
Maybe one of your mad friends like Anna threw it there.
I mean, Jesus.
Look, let's spoil the moment properly, shall we?
What are you trying to say?
Am I shagging a brandy drinker? Yes?
Gerry, ease up, will you?
For Christ's sake, I'm only asking.
(scoffs) Oh, women never ask.
No, they don't ask, they insinuate.
And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add,
that I am...
Thanks.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you, thanks.
I mean...
I mean, (stammers), I mean, thank you, thank you.
I mean, this, you know, this, this is the,
this is the right time, isn't it,
to address our relationship, isn't it?
I mean, it's- it's- it's perfect. Perfect moment.
Gerry, for God's sakes, I asked a simple question.
There's no need to become Woody Allen.
(engine rumbling)
(gentle music)
Thanks, James. I'm sorry if you had a lousy time.
Are you kidding?
In my book, getting to drink two chocolate milkshakes
in one sitting represents social splendor.
It's one of the perks of being shallow.
Take care, Helen. You'll be fine.
(upbeat music)
Thank you very much.
It's amazing how you can actually learn
to despise inanimate objects,
like tin openers that don't open tins,
egg mayonnaise, and skipjack tuna.
You going out?
Yeah. I was just writing you a note.
I'm off to the library. I have some stuff to read up on.
-(Gerry clears throat) -OK.
Well, I won't be more than a couple of hours.
Would you rather I didn't go?
No, no, of course not. Go.
OK, bye.
(door slams)
(engine rumbling)
-(chiming) -(suspenseful music)
(mysterious music)
(whimsical music)
Lydia, what are you talking about? She followed me.
I said I was going to the library,
so I've come to the library, for God's sake!
Of course I can't come now.
I mean, what if she's still lurking
or waiting around the corner or something?
[Lydia] So, what? I mean, is she there?
Lydia, I don't know why she followed me. I'm not a sleuth.
[Lydia] I have taken
-two hours off work, Gerry. -Please. Now, look.
Please, don't get hysterical. Don't get hysterical
Look, I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry.
I booked our hotel in Dorset. Are we still going?
Do you wanna cancel it?
I mean, is she going to follow us there?
Do you wanna end this, Gerry, because I am not-
Yes. I mean, no.
I mean, no, I don't want...
Of course we're still going up.
Don't...
-Don't- -Don't, don't, don't,
don't what?
I don't know.
Look, we're going to Dorset, OK?
We're going to have a great time.
And, uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Right.
That's the lot.
You don't live there anymore.
Thanks for going again, Anna.
Any evidence of her?
Nothing that stood out.
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
[James] Hi, it's James. Is Helen there?
Helen.
It's James.
(gentle music)
-Hello? -It's only the magician.
Yes, tonight tonight.
You know, the tonight that comes immediately after today.
He wants to go out tonight.
Go.
Please come. It'll be a laugh.
Um...
OK.
Great.
See ya.
-OK? -Yeah.
She doesn't wanna leave here.
I know.
She's really frail, James.
Do you want me to postpone my trip?
There's another course later in the year.
It's only a couple of weeks. You should go.
You sure? It's not that important.
It is important. I want you to go.
OK.
It's going to be hard to leave this place, James, but...
But you've still got the London flat.
You'll be nearer the hospital,
and you can get much better crack in town.
(mom laughing)
Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say.
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." I know.
Exactly!
Sorry, Let me just...
Lydia's becoming more and more demanding,
and you feel bad because Helen's working night and day
to keep the money coming in.
But you've asked Helen to come
on a research trip to Dorset with you,
knowing that she won't be able to,
to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia.
And despite the fact
that Lydia gave you an out on the phone,
which you didn't take,
you're having a moral dilemma.
Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.
If I had no morals, would I be discussing it?
Whose idea was this trip, yours or Lydia's?
You wanna get out of this Lydia thing, I foresee problems.
And I wouldn't mind betting you're talking
to yourself in the mirror again.
Very bad sign.
You've no compassion. None!
Why do I bother confiding in you?
I'm your mate. I'm here to help you. (laughs)
I'm sorry.
I'm here to help you.
(everyone laughing)
It's all happening. (vocalizes)
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise.
Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise.
Our two, two chief weapons are surprise and fear.
And a ruthless efficiency.
Our three, three main weapons are fear, surprise,
and a ruthless efficiency.
I'll come in again!"
(everyone laughing)
[Waiter] There we go.
-Whoa! -Oh, wow!
-Wow! -Pass me your plate.
How do you do, Nigel? Very nice to meet you.
(everyone chattering)
-Thank you very much. -(everyone laughing)
(gentle music)
I am deadly serious.
Oh, just set up my own PR company?
Yeah, well, why not?
You've got the experience, the knowhow, the contacts.
You wanna spend the rest of your life
working for other people?
Hey, what's the worst that could possibly happen?
Um, I could fail miserably
and look like a complete tosser.
Exactly, so what is there to worry about?
(both laughing)
(Helen sighs)
I had a really nice time, James.
Did you? Oh shit, sorry.
That's against the rules, isn't it?
Yes, it is, so just bear that in mind
in the future, would you?
I'm getting over a major breakup.
Yeah, sorry. Won't happen again.
(Helen chuckles)
(gentle music continues)
Goodnight, Helen.
(Helen chuckles)
Hey, you know, everything happens for the best.
You'll never know if you don't try.
Wear something warm on Saturday.
It can get cold on the river.
Take care.
(door creaking)
♪ Is that you ♪
♪ Looks like you've changed your ways again ♪
So what other ideas has James run by you?
Anna, don't do that.
Don't do desperate mother acting with me.
He's a friend, OK? Friend.
I'm not remotely interested in him romantically.
You're not?
No.
So how come last night
was the first night since you've been here
you didn't ask if anyone had called
the second you walked in the door?
♪ But I know now ♪
♪ It's not always a happy ending ♪
♪ Yeah, but hey ♪
♪ Here comes that rainy day again ♪
♪ Hey, look at me ♪
♪ I don't feel like crying, no ♪
♪ I don't feel like it ♪
♪ And hey, look at me ♪
You're sorry?
You're sorry that four of the staff here
have been cut down with food poisoning
after eating your sandwiches?
And before you speak, yes, they all had the same sandwiches
and the same symptoms at the same time.
Are you trained in the catering trade, may I ask?
No, actually I work in PR, but-
Well, you're not doing a particularly good
PR job this morning, are you?
Luckily for you, I've convinced my colleagues
not to take the matter any further, this time.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have five people's work to do.
Sorry?
Helen has been delivering sandwiches to your office?
Yes. And today I had reason to summon her.
Well, I made up a reason, to be brutally honest.
She's quite pretty in a British,
horsey sort of way, isn't she?
Lydia, what are you playing at? Have you gone raving mad?
She's not bloody stupid, you know.
I wouldn't say that.
I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like.
Now, now, now, now, wait a second.
I didn't ditch you for...
I mean, you went back to America.
I wanted to see what this girl
you seem to have no intention of leaving,
despite the occasional pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are,
has that is so unleaveable.
And I have to say that I ended
our brief meeting at a bit of a loss.
Lydia, don't talk like this, now. It sounds ugly.
I told you before, I cannot leave Helen for- for...
-You know. -For me?
Is that what you're trying to say?
You can't leave her
for me?
Well, you never said you wanted that, have you?
Gerry, I'm a woman. We don't say what we want.
But we reserve the right to be pissed off
if we don't get it.
That's what makes us so fascinating,
and not a little bit scary.
(telephone ringing)
-Hello? -Ah.
Gerald Flanagan, at last.
This is your kindly Uncle Russell here.
(door shuts)
Listen, wherever you were tonight,
as if we need to ask, you weren't with me.
Helen called here looking for you.
OK.
Yeah, all right.
OK, thanks, mate. Bye.
Thank God. I was so worried.
Where have you been?
I went to Anna's. I needed to see a friendly face.
I've had a horrible day.
I met Cruella de Ville's less-nice sister this morning.
She completely deflated me.
I know.
How do you know?
Well, no, I mean I can tell.
Jeez, you look terrible.
(Helen sighs)
Where were you earlier? I really needed to talk to you.
Oh, I had some stuff to read up on,
so I went to the library.
God, you're always at the library.
(sick) I'm sick of waiting on tables.
I know when you finish the book we'll be millionaires, but,
when are you going to finish it?
I'm going to finish it very soon, Helen. Very soon.
(gentle music)
Helen, there's something I want to tell you,
I need to tell you.
Um, it's a little bit to do with the brandy glass,
and a little bit to do with that woman you met today.
Only, please let me finish before you say anything.
OK?
Helen?
(gentle music continues)
Bollocks.
-(upbeat music) -Come on, James!
-Now pull! -Pull!
James!
-Pull! -Go, boy! Come on!
♪ I've got an aching in my bones ♪
♪ I've been exposed ♪
-♪ To what I want to see ♪ -Pull! Pull!
Come on! Come on!
♪ The fuse is burning somewhere ♪
♪ It's drenched in heat ♪
Come on!
-♪ It's where I long to be ♪ -Come on!
It's really weird.
I knew there'd be a boat race going by
with the purple and white shirts.
Sorry?
Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?
He has. I've got to work.
Anyway, it'll be good for him to get away.
We need a bit of space.
Anna, can I ask a daft question?
Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?
Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do.
It was almost certainly me.
Are you OK?
Just going quietly mad.
Oh, thank God for that. I was worried.
(spectators cheering)
Faster!
Yeah!
-♪ And to my left ♪ -♪ And to my left ♪
-♪ And to my right ♪ -♪ And to my right ♪
-♪ And with my left ♪ -♪ And with my left ♪
-♪ And with my right ♪ -♪ And with my right ♪
-♪ And with the, hit ♪ -♪ And with the, hit ♪
(James laughs)
♪ Father Abraham ♪
♪ Hit, had seven sons, hit, hit ♪
♪ Seven sons had Father Abraham, hit ♪
Are you sure it's just writer's block?
I mean, you seem so distant.
I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything.
Hey, that's Helen in there.
♪ Seven sons had Father Abraham, hit, hoo ♪
But she's got blonde hair.
There's loads of them,
having some kind of sponsored epileptic fit.
Lydia.
Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry.
Maybe it's Helen block.
I don't want to hear about Helen.
I don't care
about Helen.
The trouble is, you do,
quite clearly.
I just thought of a great finish for your book.
"The end."
(bar patrons cheering)
(upbeat music)
Yes you are, Clive.
He's opening his first restaurant in six days,
and he's completely disorganized.
Well, you know, at my old company,
we had wars getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open.
You did Pierre Claude?
[Helen] Mm.
He's my hero.
You did his launch? (laughs)
Well, I heard that was a really classy do.
People went on about it.
I mean, six days is...
Could I come down and take a look?
I can't promise anything stupendous.
Sure, yeah, yeah, no problem.
You're kidding? Yeah, come down.
Pierre Claude?
Oh, wow!
You're very thoughtful, James.
You give out an incredible amount.
Oh, you're the same.
You encouraged me today.
I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing.
(both laughing)
It spurred me on.
I love this bridge.
My great-grandfather helped build it.
I often come and stand on it when I want to, um...
Build a bridge?
-(Helen laughs) -I'm sorry.
Oh God, James, don't. Oh.
-I'm sorry. -No, I'm...
I know this is
an ideal sort of kissing moment.
You know, night, moon, boat, water lapping.
You know, it's, um, it's perfect.
And I'm, I'm not not feeling that it would be nice,
but I don't really know anything about you, and I'm,
I'm still on the rebound.
Oh God, I hate that word, but I am.
Oh, who isn't? Everyone is.
I'm on the rebound myself,
in a way.
So who are you on the rebound from?
A girl called Pamela.
My whole life pivots around Pam and I breaking up.
When was that?
1973. We were eight.
(Helen laughing)
I bloody loved that woman.
No warning. Just up, gone, left me for somebody else.
Who?
Gary Glitter.
Get out!
Gary Glitter, for crying out loud.
I mean, all my friends were being left
for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy.
I could've come to terms with that, given time.
But Gary? Oh, she wanted to touch him there, yeah.
You know?
Well, I went to pieces, as you can imagine.
And there was no junior Prozac to see me through, so-
(gentle music)
S- so, I, uh,
I, um-
I kissed you.
Yeah, yeah, I spotted that, too.
You weren't gonna do that.
Um, (clears throat) would you mind, um,
just putting that down
to a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?
Is that what it was?
No.
Y- yes?
I don't...
Oh, help.
(gentle music continues)
I don't want to be a confusion in your life, Helen.
I don't, truly.
But something's happened to me since I've met you,
that I wasn't expecting, and I don't really,
well, well, I wasn't expecting...
(sighs) Repetition of expecting. Must buy a thesaurus.
Anyway...
(gentle music continues)
(passionate music)
(birds twittering)
(upbeat music)
(chiming)
(horn honking)
(brooding music)
You did remember to take a full-page ad
in "Adulterers Weekly"?
Jesus.
Lydia, get in the car, will you?
How many years have you been going
to paint that stain off?
(Lydia sighs)
-(tires screeching) -(engine revving)
(upbeat music)
♪ Ooh, now ♪
♪ I must believe ♪
♪ I can do anything ♪
♪ I can heal anyone ♪
♪ I must believe ♪
♪ I am the wind ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I am the sea ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ I am the wind, I am the sea, I am the sun ♪
♪ I can be anyone ♪
♪ Oh, this world is mine ♪
♪ This world is mine ♪
♪ For all of time, for all of time ♪
♪ I can turn any stone ♪
♪ Call any place my home ♪
♪ I can do anything ♪
(camera shutters clicking)
(ominous music)
♪ I know I'm gonna get myself together ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm gonna get myself together ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Use the force ♪
(group chattering)
What do you mean you want to see me?
Jesus Christ, Gerry, what...
How did you get in?
One of the waiters is a friend of Russell, see?
He got me a ticket. It's a great do, Helen.
I hear your company's really taking off.
Gerry, you can't just turn up like this.
This is a really important night for me.
Yes, I can, Helen. I can just turn up.
It's the most important just-turn-up I've ever done.
Oh God. We can't talk in here.
(upbeat music continues)
♪ I must believe ♪
♪ I must believe, I must believe ♪
We've been through too much just to drop this, haven't we?
Surely.
Helen.
Please, look at me.
I'm sorry.
Really sorry.
You're too good not to fight for.
Don't, Gerry, don't talk about fights.
I...
(upbeat music continues)
Good-looking bloke.
Are you seeing him?
I...
I'm sorry. It's not my place to ask.
Is that him?
I guess so.
Does she know about Claudia?
No.
I really like her, Clive.
I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly.
Gerry, I really have to go back inside.
Will you come and see me, Helen?
Please, Helen, there's so much more I want to say.
I miss you.
Will you come and see me?
Please, Helen.
I'll go.
Thanks for listening.
I'm really proud of you.
♪ I am the wind ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I am the sea ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ I am the wind, I am the sea, I am the sun ♪
♪ I can be anyone ♪
♪ Oh, this world is mine ♪
♪ This world is mine ♪
-♪ For all of time ♪ -(camera shutters clicking)
(dishes clattering)
Are you OK?
(sighs) Yes. Just a bit dizzy.
Too much champagne.
-(upbeat music) -♪ Touching a place ♪
♪ That makes it a love thing ♪
♪ Straight to the face ♪
♪ One-way love would be a miracle ♪
♪ Touching a place that makes it a love thing ♪
(camera shutter clicks)
Hey. (laughs)
It's official. I love you.
Thank you.
You're a genius. I'm ecstatic.
Have you, have you seen James?
Yeah, yeah, he had to go.
Early start. He apologized.
(chiming)
-(gentle music) -(telephone ringing)
Business trip. Newcastle or something.
I didn't want to pry.
His secretary wasn't very forthcoming.
Do you believe he's away?
Don't know.
You think he's just avoiding you?
-I don't know. -Did you leave a message?
-No. -Do you think
maybe you should have?
Did he actually see Gerry kiss you?
I don't know.
Do you think he might be hoping you've called
and not known that you have?
I mean, did you not check if he has a mobile?
Anna, ease up, will you? Bloody hell!
They have less questions than these on "Jeopardy."
I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone.
I felt awkward.
Well, such a little petty little thing
is hardly worth him getting uptight about.
Oh, Gerry called, by the way.
Terrific.
That's just...
Two months ago, I want Gerry to come around,
James comes around.
Now I want James to call, Gerry calls.
-(gentle music) -(chiming)
It was the weirdest dream.
You were there, and you had a funny mask over your face,
and you had something that you needed to tell me,
but you couldn't say it.
Well, that does it, I'm afraid.
I'm taking away your Class 1 drugs for a week.
Anyway, um, there's something else I wanted to tell you.
I fainted at work the other night.
Oh, sweetheart.
Are you OK?
Yes, but
I don't normally faint, so I, um...
-[Lydia] Oh! -(glass shatters)
What was that?
-I don't know. -Oh!
The people next door are plainly engaged
in some bizarre sexual ritual.
I may pop in later and introduce myself.
What were you saying?
-Anyway, -(Lydia grunts)
I don't normally faint, so I was a little curious.
(Lydia moaning)
Ow!
Oh, sh-
I stubbed my foot on the side of the shagging bath. Oh!
God, sounds horrific.
I know. (chuckles)
Shh!
Anyway...
[Lydia] Oh! (moans)
Listen, there's the landlady.
She keeps coming up with these corned beef sandwiches.
Look, I'll phone you back when World War XII
has stopped for tea, OK?
OK, bye.
So I did a test, and it turns out that I'm pregnant.
I just thought you might like to know.
(Lydia groans)
Have you gone completely insane?
What are you trying to do?
What do you mean, what am I trying to do?
I think I broke my toe.
Lydia!
I'm on the pissing phone to Helen, for goodness sake!
In case you've forgotten, she doesn't know you're here.
She thinks I'm on a research trip, alone, remember?
I remember.
(sighs) Don't worry, I remember. It's pretty hard to forget.
So what are you trying to do? Huh?
You're coming in here
screeching the place down while I'm on the phone.
Don't you know, Gerry?
Don't you know what I am trying to do?
I am trying to be your girlfriend, Gerry!
I am trying to win you back. It's fairly simple.
I am standing on the platform
at Limbo Central
with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase,
waiting for the Gerry fricking Express to roll in
and tell me that my ticket is still valid,
that I may reboard the train.
Only, the station announcer keeps coming on
and telling me that my train has been delayed.
"As the driver has suffered a major panic attack
in Indecision City,
we suggest you take the bus!"
That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!
(Lydia sighs)
Except,
it's quite clear
that that is never going to happen.
Is it?
No reply.
Perfect.
So, I,
I'm not waiting anymore, Gerry.
I am cashing my ticket in.
I am taking that bus.
Oh. (grunts)
I tell all my friends, "Never go back."
Look at me. I must be crazy.
Don't phone me for a while.
Ow!
Oh.
No.
Don't phone me at all,
ever!
It's over!
Again!
(people laughing)
I've done it, Russell.
I've bloody done it.
Excellent. Congratulations.
-Done what? -I've finished it.
Oh, the book? Oh, well, great, mate, that's great.
Not the book, not the book, Russell.
I'm a novelist. I'm never going to finish the book.
The affair, the affair. The sordid affair with Lydia.
I've blown her out, in Dorset.
I was decisive but fair. I've just got back.
Oh God, I feel like I've got out of jail.
No more deceit, no more lying to Helen.
It was such a mistake.
Never go back, Russell.
But it's over.
Whoo!
God, I can't tell you, it's such a good feeling.
Well, um, I'm very pleased.
And how does she feel about it, Lydia?
You know, she's not jumping through hoops,
obviously, I mean.
But it's the best thing by far.
By far and away the best thing.
I mean, she knows that.
I mean, at least she will do once she...
Well, she was upset.
I mean, a bit fraught, you know, obv- obvious- obviously.
God, God, God, I feel good.
I've got to go home.
I wanna be home before Helen comes back from work.
(upbeat music)
Because you never even buy me flowers
when you're meant to, let alone when you're not meant to,
so yes, I'm a little suspicious.
I wanna know what else have you been doing
that you're not meant to.
Wait, hang on, let me get this straight,
'cause this is just about brilliant.
I buy you flowers on a whim,
in, in a, in a fit of, of, of, um, of romance,
-but- -See?
You couldn't even think of the word.
But instead of being, of being grateful,
instead of being romanced,
you're instantly convinced that I'm ensconced
in some decrepit, tacky, underhand, clandestine affair.
In a nutshell.
Gerry?
Are you back?
-(Helen gasps) -I missed you,
so I came home early to see you.
God.
(sultry music)
What are they?
Well, they're flowers.
For you.
Do you not like them?
That image of her sitting on top of you.
Ugh, God, I...
I don't, I don't know why I agreed to come.
Please stop, Gerry. Don't.
I don't want you to touch me.
I'm, I'm sorry. Um, don't go.
Please try and put her out of your mind. She's out of mine.
It's finished, over.
I made a mistake, such a big, big mistake, and I'm sorry.
I'm truly, truly sorry.
I mean, this new bloke,
this James Hammerton that you're seeing,
does he not make mistakes?
How do you know his name?
A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant.
They're mutual friends.
I mean, it's not especially important.
Well, I don't want to talk
about James Hammerton or anyone else.
I have to go.
Oh, by the, by the way, I've, uh,
I've stopped writing the book.
Helen,
the truth is,
I can't write without you.
I can't do anything without you.
I want you to come back to me, Helen.
We were so good together.
Remem- remember how good we are together?
(telephone ringing)
Sorry. Just wait.
-Yeah? -I'm late, Gerry.
Four days. I'm never late.
Oh, Russell. Uh, look, hi.
Uh, look, mate, look,
can I ring you back in a few minutes, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, OK, OK.
Thanks, mate. Cheers, bye.
That was, uh, Russell.
Look, I'm,
I'm, I'm dying for the loo.
(chiming)
(suspenseful music)
(telephone beeping)
[Operator] Telephone number 0171-444-3184.
To return the call, press 3.
(telephone beeps)
(telephone ringing)
Why are you pretending I'm Russell? You know I hate that.
What's going on?
Gerry, answer me. Who's there?
It's Helen, actually. We met once.
I interrupted you faking your orgasm.
Sorry I can't be more specific.
(telephone clanks)
You know what I was thinking?
You're not going, are you?
You wanker.
You sad,
sad wanker.
God, I feel like such a mug!
That useless, no good, shagging,
horrible, despicable, lying,
two-faced, pissing, shagging-
-You said shagging. -Wanker!
(Helen sighs)
You know the worst bit?
All I could think about was James.
I felt like I was being unfaithful to James
just by being there.
That sounds like the best bit.
And you were.
He didn't call, did he?
That's nearly a week.
I think I've blown it. I've blown it, haven't I?
I blame British Telecom. All this new technology.
This number if you wanna know who called,
another one if you don't want them to know you called,
itemized bills, take away the first number you thought of.
I mean, they are single-handedly condemning
the average red-blooded Englishman
to a life of terminal monogamy.
What are they after? The Nobel Peace Prize?
Lydia might be pregnant.
(Russell laughing)
Oh, no more, please.
I can't take it.
Oh, this is terrific stuff.
I must say, being with you makes the wait
for the next episode of "Seinfeld" much easier to bear.
I didn't reckon on things turning out this way.
Everything's a cock-up.
What's going on?
Well, to use boxing parlance, if I may, it's quite simple:
you've just lost.
Are you sure?
You've been a bit, ah,
I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back.
I know.
Well, OK, there are a couple of things.
Which one do you wanna hear first?
I don't mind.
Well, the small thing
is that I've got an interview for a job.
A PR job, a proper one.
An international company opening up in London.
Chairwoman herself called.
Said she had heard a lot about me,
and she's invited me to her apartment
tomorrow evening for a serious chat.
Jesus Christ!
What?
Jesus Christ, I mean, that's,
that's not a small thing.
That's, that's huge.
I mean, it's, it's brilliant. I mean, that's the best.
Is the blind buggered again?
No, uh...
No, well...
(birds twittering)
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, I'm fine, darling.
My sweetheart, that's great. It's tremendous.
I'm thrilled, I'm so thrilled-
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
I really need to talk to you.
Hi, Russ. How are you?
Come by my apartment tomorrow night at 8:00.
It's important.
Ah, really, mate? No, what a drag.
Oh no. Yeah.
Yeah, sure. Sure, sure, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'll help you.
Yep, yep, cheers, mate. Cheers, bye.
Russell's family is descending unannounced.
Yeah, he wants me to go round tomorrow evening
and, um, help him clear out his spare room.
Ah, right.
OK, so...
(sighs) Right.
Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?
It doesn't matter. It's not important.
-(chiming) -(gentle music)
(gentle music)
-(telephone beeping) -(buttons clacking)
(telephone rings)
Hamilton Enterprises.
Rachel, I'm going out to the shops.
Can I get you anything?
No thanks.
You OK?
Yes. (chuckles) Yes.
Yes, I'm fine, I just...
You know, I'm...
Go to the shops.
Just, I'll be, um...
(gentle music continues)
(door creaking)
(people chattering)
-Sorry. -Sorry.
-Hello. -Hi, hi.
Hi.
-How are you? -How are you?
-Oh, um, I'm fine. -I'm fine, fine.
I'm fine. Uh, how are you?
Uh, sorry, you're great.
Business lunch?
Yeah, just a chat, you know.
My office is just around the corner.
I know.
Um, I- I- I- thought you were away on business.
Yeah, I was, I just...
I, um, got back last night, as a matter of fact.
Helen, look, please don't think that I, that I-
Oh, it's OK.
I haven't thought...
I mean, I didn't think that, or not.
No, I mean, don't think that I have not called you.
I haven't not called you.
I mean, I don't, I don't mean I haven't not called you,
because that's a double negative,
so that's to say that I have called you.
When did you call?
Ah, well, I didn't.
But I, I didn't not call you in the way
that you might think I didn't call you.
Oh dear.
(James sighs)
(gentle music)
I wanted to call you.
I even dialed all but the last number thing and then not.
It's ridiculous behavior.
Totally. (chuckles)
You see, I thought you still had to deal with,
with your other, uh...
Oh.
Gerry?
Well, I don't know, is that...
Yeah, if...
And I thought it was best if I allowed you to-
Gerry is why you haven't called me?
Well, after Clive's party,
I didn't wanna just presume that you, that we have-
You think I just go to bed
with all the successful oarsmen I come across?
Sorry. Nervous humor.
Well, I hoped not.
(cellphone ringing)
Sorry. Excuse me.
Hello? (clears throat)
Oh, I see.
I'll, uh...
I'll come straight away.
OK, thanks.
My mum had to go to hospital. She's had some tests done.
The results are through. I should, uh, go.
Do you want me to come with you?
Yeah, that's really nice of you.
Uh...
Well, maybe, um...
I don't, she's quite frail,
and I don't know how she's gonna-
It's OK.
But, um, thanks.
I'm, uh, well,
some friends are having dinner at Clive's tonight,
if you're not doing anything.
You want to come along?
Well, some other time.
I'd love to, if that's OK.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course, crikey, it's- it's- it's very, very OK, yeah.
But, well, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned,
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Is that a "will pick me up,"
or a "haven't, not, didn't, might?"
(both chuckle)
Listen, don't worry about your mum. She'll be OK.
Remember Monty Python.
Well, I'll see you later.
-Bye. -Bye.
(gentle music continues)
Hi.
-How are you? -Just, yeah, just...
You know.
Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?
I haven't told him yet.
Never seems to be the right moment somehow.
Come on. Let's celebrate with a proper drink.
Bloody marvelous idea.
I really shouldn't in my condition, but I'm really going to.
What have you got?
Um, brandy.
Oof, no, yuck. Makes me vomit.
(laid-back music)
♪ Coming up for air ♪
♪ Rising to a ♪
♪ Very new ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ Coming up for air ♪
♪ On the last breath around ♪
♪ The last breath around ♪
(birds twittering)
(door opening)
Half day?
James?
(chuckles) So it was last night?
Sorry.
You can't tell from one.
They can be inaccurate.
I bought three packets.
Two in a packet. That's six.
You can tell from six.
What are you gonna do?
Is James Hammerton in?
I'm afraid not.
Um, do you know when he's due back?
I'm not sure.
He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife.
Would you like to leave a message?
What?
Can I take a name and number, get him to call you?
Um...
No, thank you.
(melancholy music)
(brakes squeaking)
(engine revving)
There's something I want you to know.
Anna doesn't drink brandy, Gerry. It makes her vomit.
And those glasses were not used at the party.
They only come out for special dinners. You know that.
Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?
Are you having an affair?
Just tell me yes or no.
No.
I'm not.
(Gerry sighs)
Helen, look into my eyes.
I am not
having an affair.
I'm not.
Well, I shouldn't have brought this up now.
I've got to go to my interview.
We'll talk later.
Are you going to be here when I get back?
(scoffs) Yes. Of course.
Helen.
Listen.
Good luck, OK?
(telephone ringing)
-Hello? -Hi, Anna.
Is Helen there?
You've got a damned nerve phoning here.
What?
Anna, please, just open the door.
I don't know what's going on.
You don't know what's going on? I'll tell you, then.
She saw you, James, at the hospital with your wife.
You know, the one with the wedding ring.
What is it with you bloody men?
-We're not just here- -Anna, let me see her.
-I can- -She's not here.
Where is she?
What's it to you? I don't know.
Oh, shit, shit. Bollocks!
Oh God, you idiot!
(melancholy music)
Clive, you seen Helen?
[Clive] No. Why?
(upbeat music)
(patrons applauding)
(melancholy music continues)
Helen!
Helen! Helen, you've made a mistake!
Oh, I'm such an idiot!
Helen, look at me.
Listen to me, please.
No, you listen!
I never want to see you again!
I have been through enough for one year!
I stupidly believed that here was a man
who was different from them,
but it is clear that I made a mistake.
Now please do me a favor
and go away!
I am married, Helen, but I am separated.
Well, walk away if you want, but take this with you.
The woman you saw today
was the woman I married three years ago.
We separated six months ago, and soon we'll be divorced.
Nothing aggressive.
I didn't tell you before because...
(sighs) I don't know why.
I have wanted to tell you so many times,
and now you've found out another way, I wish I had told you.
My mother is ill in hospital, as you know,
and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretense
that we're OK still for my mum.
As a favor.
She's a very decent woman.
Do you have a mum, Helen?
10 minutes, Lydia.
And don't ever turn up at my kitchen window again like that.
It's over, you know? You said it yourself.
I know. Sorry, I wasn't thinking.
I just wanna show you something.
(melancholy music continues)
Oh, Helen.
If we are not gonna be together,
then let's make sure it's for the right reason.
And right now, there is no reason. None.
There is just confusion,
and it can be erased in a split second.
-(knocking at door) -[Lydia] Get that, would you?
(pensive music)
Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling...
Who is it?
Oh, hello again. You're right on time.
Is this the truth, James?
(gentle music)
Permission to engage the enemy, sir.
Thing is, I can't take the interview just now.
I'm discussing whether or not
I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby.
James.
There's something I have to tell you.
I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way, Helen.
(Helen gasps)
Uh, I really should just phone Anna and tell her I'm OK.
(door opens)
Helen.
(door opens)
I love you.
Helen, wait. Please, wait.
-Let me go! -Helen!
-(horn honking)
(brakes screeching)
(somber music)
James, are you her husband?
Uh...
I will be. We're, we're getting married.
If I could have a quick word.
Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James.
Helen has lost her baby, I'm afraid, Gerry.
I'm afraid she's lost her baby.
You did know she was pregnant?
Did you know she was pregnant?
She will be OK, though, won't she?
She is, she is going to wake up, isn't she, Doctor?
(somber music)
(monitor beeping)
Helen, for some reason, I know you can hear me.
And I'm glad we got things sorted out tonight.
(James sighs)
I'm glad you caught the train that day.
I am gonna make you so happy.
I promise.
(monitor flatlining)
(James sobbing)
(somber music)
(monitor flatlining)
(monitor beeping)
(gentle music)
Helen?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me, Helen?
(gentle music)
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, no problem.
I'm pleased to see your mother's showing
some signs of improvement this morning.
She's sitting up, and she's had a full breakfast.
That's great.
Helen, I swear.
I'll do anything you want, darling.
Will you?
In that case, I want you to stand up,
walk over to the door,
open it, walk through it,
and close it behind you.
(upbeat music)
Ta-ra, mum.
♪ Mama, where's your pretty little girl tonight ♪
Call us if you have any problems at all.
Thank you.
You're very fortunate, Helen. You had a lucky escape.
You can say that again.
Thank you.
♪ Yeah, she's grown up ♪
♪ She's got a young man waiting ♪
♪ She's wide-eyed ♪
♪ She'll be streetwise ♪
♪ To the lies and the jive talk ♪
♪ But she'll find true love ♪
♪ And tenderness on the block ♪
♪ But she'll find true love ♪
♪ And tenderness on the block ♪
♪ She was wide-eyed ♪
♪ Now she's streetwise ♪
Thank you.
Cheer up. You know what the Monty Python boys say.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
♪ And tenderness on the block ♪
♪ Yeah, she's gonna find true love ♪
♪ She's gonna find true love ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ My tea's gone cold ♪
♪ I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all ♪
♪ The morning rain clouds up my window ♪
♪ And I can't see at all ♪
♪ And even if I could, it'd all be gray ♪
♪ But your picture on my wall ♪
♪ It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad ♪
♪ I drank too much last night ♪
♪ Got bills to pay ♪
♪ My head just feels in pain ♪
♪ I missed the bus and there'll be hell today ♪
♪ I'm late for work again ♪
♪ And even if I'm there ♪
♪ They'll all imply that I might not last the day ♪
♪ And then you call me, and it's not so bad, it's not so bad ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ Want to thank you ♪
♪ For giving me the best day of my life ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Just to be with you ♪
♪ Is having the best day of my life ♪
♪ Push the door, I'm home at last ♪
♪ And I'm soaking through and through ♪
♪ And then you handed me a towel ♪
♪ And all I see is you ♪
♪ And even if my house falls down now ♪
♪ I wouldn't have a clue ♪
♪ Because you're near me ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ Want to thank you ♪
♪ For giving me the best day of my life ♪
♪ And, oh ♪
♪ Just to be with you ♪
♪ Is having the best day of my life ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ Want to thank you ♪
♪ For giving me the best day of my life ♪
♪ And, oh ♪
♪ Just to be with you ♪
♪ Is having the best day of my life ♪